There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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