Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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