Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
