I'm so fucking centered right now
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
