The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
