Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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