Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
