can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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