How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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