On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
