In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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