Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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