and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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