Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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