Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
