lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Everclear isn't food dammit
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
