I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
