know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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