i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
