Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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