Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
