He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
