Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
