also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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