Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
