Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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