You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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