Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
