you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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