don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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