Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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