Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
