how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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