there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
