sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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