really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
