I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
