I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
