I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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