She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
