he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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