Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
