She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
