Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
