I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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