Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
