Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well I just put wine in my tea
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
