I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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