and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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