i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
