I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
