i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
