Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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