i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
