Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
