she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
